Domestic Violence and Partner Abuse in New Canaan [Q&A]

Town officials say that New Canaan residents in abusive relationships often report that their spouse refuses to pay agreed-upon child support, and a recent community wellness survey showed that 134 people here have safety concerns about someone in their home. Even so, more than one-third of respondents said in a recent survey that they don’t know where to access domestic violence support. These are some of the data points that Dede Bartlett, founder of the New Canaan Abuse Prevention Partnership, shared during a conversation Sunday at New Canaan Library. (Note: The library has set aside a book list display to mark the month, view the book list here.)

We met because February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, to talk about domestic violence and partner abuse.

Here’s a transcription of our conversation.

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New Canaanite: Dede you and your husband, Jim, are known for supporting many areas of the New Canaan community—the library, Waveny’s Navigator program, the Center for New Canaan History at the New Canaan Museum & Historical Society, among others. What I have always associated with you specifically—and I remember taking your photo 15 years ago with then-First Selectman Rob Mallozzi following proclamations at the high school or Town Hall—is domestic violence awareness and prevention, advocating for victims. I want to hear more about that from you, please. What is it about domestic violence that touches you, that activates you?

Dede Bartlett: I just don’t like people being abused. I am horrified by people being abused, harassed or humiliated. I find abuse a total abrogation of a human being’s civil rights. And the fact that it is so widespread in this country. One in four women at some point in their lives will be abused. Here in Connecticut, one in three teens will suffer harassment or abuse before they reach adulthood. And the Internet has only made things far worse for people. 

Well, that’s a good segue because this is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. And I’d like to talk to you about New Canaan. The immediate past police chief used to say that domestic violence is New Canaan’s violent crime. I always found that very interesting because we associate New Canaan with a lot of peace and we don’t think about crime within New Canaan. This is happening behind closed doors and some of the problems that arise from that are we perpetuate a stigma and shame for victims of domestic violence and we also don’t openly—or openly enough—share resources and support information for people who are undergoing or have been exposed to domestic violence. So I want to talk about all that in a New Canaan context. Let’s start by talking about teen dating violence. 

Sure. Teen dating violence is prevalent in our town. It is prevalent in Connecticut. It is so widespread that February is regarded as ‘Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month’ to make people understand that this harassment, this bullying is not just part of the tortures of growing up. This is severe. We know that one in three U. S. teens will experience physical, sexual or emotional abuse from someone they’re in a relationship with before they reach adulthood. This is quite appalling. And here in Connecticut, 26% of teens report being harassed. So, this is something that is terribly, terribly important. One of the things that we want to be sure that people understand—teens and their parents—is that there is help available and that there are resources to go to. And as a matter of fact, I’ll be giving you the names and the phone numbers at the end of this article, where people can reach out and get help on a 24-7 basis. But I want to share with you an example that I think will explain how effective this help can be. A mom of a college student reached out to me a couple of weeks ago, here in New Canaan. And she told me that her daughter, who was away at college in Texas, was being abused. Within 48 hours, we got the student in Texas a counselor to work with her. That’s the kind of help we can offer. That’s the kind of immediate help we can give parents and their kids, or kids alone who reach out to us. 

Dede, you’ve been  an advocate locally for victims of domestic violence for many years. If you could, describe for us the partner abuse that people in our own town are experiencing. 

I’m glad you asked that, because people tend to think of  domestic violence or partner abuse as black eyes. Maybe a broken arm or two. But it’s not that. It’s the psychological abuse that is probably the most difficult. For example, to give you an idea of the magnitude of the problem, the clients that go to Health and Human Services here in our town, one quarter of those folks struggle with partner abuse issues. The abuse often doesn’t end with divorce or with a separation. They often exacerbate existing issues. Human Services reports that their clients suffer from the fact that their ex often will not pay agreed-upon support, even court ordered expenses like childcare, youth activities, sports or camp. They won’t do that. Number two, some have had to incur additional expenses to hire an attorney to fight for child custody fights. Number three, as I was alluding earlier, post-separation abuse affects clients’ mental health, their job stability and their ability to maintain housing. 

New Canaan recently underwent a community health and wellbeing survey that was led by the Behavioral Health Alliance and the New Canaan Abuse Prevention Partnership is an organization that participates in that alliance. What information was gleaned from the survey that relates to domestic violence?

In the survey, 91% of the respondents indicated that they never felt threatened or unsafe around someone at home. However, 9% of respondents, or roughly 134 people, have safety concerns around someone in their home. And while New Canaan has wonderful resources for people concerned about safety, 34% of survey respondents were not aware of the services or support or counseling related to domestic violence. And this is why I’m so grateful for this opportunity to talk about the resources that are available and to give folks phone numbers and websites to go to [see below]. Health and Human Services also reports their clients not receiving child support. In some cases, the ex leaves the job to not pay child support, and one client discovered her ex had left the country, leaving no way to order payments. The court has said this may take over a year. We have clients, here in New Canaan, who are using the Food Pantry because their spouse or soon-to-be-ex spouse leaves them no access to food for the house. Talk about food insecurity.

Leaves them and their dependents. 

That’s exactly right. Folks tend to think that because we raise awareness in October, with purple ribbons and that’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month, it’s somehow or other all tied up and finished by the end of October. This is 24/7, 12 months all year, throughout the year.  

My final question to you is about resources that are available to New Canaanites, but I’m not asking for you for a list. I’d like to talk to you about asking for help. I think a lot of people, in their own personalities or backgrounds, have trouble identifying when they need help, and then once they do, have trouble asking for it. And I’m not even talking about not knowing where to go. I’m talking about even doing research to ask for help. What is your message for someone who suspects they may be a victim of this type of abuse, black eye or not, but isn’t sure or doesn’t know where to turn? What do you tell that individual? 

We want people to know they’re not alone questioning in their concern, in their unease. People generally know when something doesn’t feel right. There’s a little voice, but they think, ‘Maybe it’s just me.’ It’s not just them. There’s a world of people out there wanting to help, willing to help, able to help. And whether you’re 13 years old or 83 years old, there’s someone there who can help you. You just need to pick up the phone and ask.  And it’s confidential. It’s free. And that’s the thing that is so good about this town, is that we’re talking about issues that people have not talked about. We’re letting folks know it’s good to come forward. It’s good to get help. You’ll be stronger for getting that help. Your relationships will be better for getting that help. And there’s a brighter tomorrow.

What else do you want to say?

In the last few weeks, we’ve seen folks coming forward who want to help people in crisis. And now there is a way for New Canaanites to do exactly that. You can mail a check with the subject line ‘Partner Violence’ to Human Services, at 77 Main Street, and in March, there will be an online donation button on the town website through Human Services. And you can make a payment there. This all started with a wonderful woman who came to me at church back in December and said, ‘I want to help, what do I do?’ And so we thought about what can we do to help people in this town who are suffering from abuse? This fund that is being set up at Human Services is different from the Emergency Financial Assistance Fund of the New Canaan Community Foundation because it’s exclusively intended for victims of partner violence. And it is also different from the Domestic Violence Crisis Center Emergency Fund, which helps victims throughout Fairfield County. This is dedicated just for citizens of New Canaan. So I think that to wrap that up, helping teens and adults in crisis find resources is key to creating the strong, healthy, compassionate New Canaan that we all want.

Resources:

• Domestic Violence Crisis Center of Connecticut—24-hour hotline 203-588-9097
• Visit DVCC’s website, here to download a teen resource guide, which includes information on digital boundaries, navigating safe endings (breakups), and how to help a friend experiencing abuse.
• New Canaan Abuse Prevention Partnership next meeting—8:30 to 9:30 a.m. on Thursday, Feb. 13. Join Zoom Meeting: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/89122547461?pwd=NHrZXpZt2QaaRMbRuHJFbGoXYM4f6w.1 Meeting ID: 891 2254 7461; Passcode: 720666; One tap mobile; +16469313860,,89122547461# US; +13017158592,,89122547461# US (Washington DC); Dial by your location; +1 646 931 3860 US